What my friend's death is teaching me this year....


It was late Monday night at 12am, almost 4 months ago when I heard that my beloved friend was killed earlier that morning at the age of 40.

The angels had literally swooped me back to the states, which was a series of synchronistic events, prior to his death. We shared a home together, and we had created a safe haven full of soul family, soul animals, and loving community.

My beloved friend was a lover of many kinds. A true lover of the arts with exquisite taste and attention to the finest details of pleasure. He was hilarious and sassy. He was conscientious, had the softest most generous & giving heart, and was a visionary & a do-er in this world. All of his ideas he co-created were always about community and bringing more love, beauty, & freedom to humanity through the arts, music, culture, and the healing world. He created an actual community for all of us to share and join together in friendship and home. He was one of the most loving, inspiring, & generous hearts I've ever known.

He was killed by another man. There were a string of these murders targeting the LGBQT community, and his was another one of this thread.

When our mutual friend told me the news, I felt flooded with the deepest emotions all at once, and had (still have) many flashes of vivid memories come to me as if I were seeing our lives together flash through my mind within seconds...

The rainbow flag, that he proudly hung up at the front entrance for all of the city to see. It was the first rainbow flag in the city, and I can still see his gorgeous smile of pride for being himself as he welcomed people from all over the world home to our home so they felt safe, welcomed, and felt belongingness. He was a mover & shaker for the LGBQT community, and is one of the major courageous humans bringing the next revolution of freedom to Mexico.

Life is poetry. I open myself to the gifts within his passing.

He shares major messages to elevate humanity not just in the way he lived life but also in the way he died.

I understood that the guy who did this was ashamed of his own self, but still in my intense feelings of grief, shock, & deep sadness, I kept asking "Why did this have to happen???" "This wasn't how it was supposed to be!" and "We didn't see this coming!"

I understood it through a psychological & spiritual lens but I wasn't interested in dishonoring my friend's life (and death), nor myself by spiritually bypassing my deep grief & all of the rich gifts here by superficially jumping to the higher perspective.

I desire to drop to my knees to feel it all, and to rise within the power of honest emotion to meet with my spiritual knowing.

Through my daily contact with my beloved friend from "beyond the veil", he communicated to me a major gift to receive. He showed me how this human didn't "take" his life because my friend loved men, it was because this guy wasn't willing on accepting & loving up his own shame within himself.

In that moment, I heard the voice say to me,
"What about you?"
And then asked,
"What are you not accepting within your own self?"
"Where are you not in acceptance of the people in your life?"
"Where are you not in acceptance of any part of your life?":

My entire heart exploded open to the grace of his death, his eternal life in this moment.

There had been many places in my life that'd been challenging for me to accept. Not having my biological family in my life anymore who were supposed to love me unconditionally and share basic respect. It had been challenging to accept them for who they are & for who they are not. Feeling challenged with accepting myself for making the conscious choice to leave this family lineage of fear, because I felt deep guilt around making that massive choice of Self-love for myself.... because, was I really worthyof loving myself that much?

Yes, I am worthy. I accept my worthiness now.

Also, I had not been accepting myself for WHO I truly am; that there's nothing damaged about me or wrong about me and there's nothing villian-ness about me; no matter what I was ever told or believed to be as truth about myself.

I'm learning to accept that I am a powerhouse of the heart. I am perfectly imperfect and a courageous, brave Soul. I am a fierce truth bringer, and I'll only stand for truth & honesty no matter the cost or the loss in my life.

I'm also learning to accept that many times I feel shame when I'm vulnerable, and that this is a natural part of the human experience. (Thank you Brene!!) I accept that I love up the shame more times than not now as it arises, and I feel deep self-love as a result of allowing myself to be this vulnerable & real.

I'm learning to accept even more how loved and important I am to many, without minimizing my own inherent gifts. It can be easier to see others with profound love than it is to know ourselves. Our honest knowing of ourselves is a lifelong relationship til the day we leave these bodies and remember it all ;)

This is where our power is. Rather than blaming or focusing on how others have "treated" me or how someone else "killed" my friend, who I adore beyond measure, I go within.

I do what I wished that person had chosen to do for himself, which was to accept himself & love UP, relentlessly, all parts of his own shame with all the self-love that he too had always been worthy of... And, he still is worthy.

Acceptance is were liberation exists.

Acceptance is a choice. It's one of the most challenging experiences to be present with because within it requires a lot of letting go.

It requires being truly honest about those in your life who don't serve the truth of you & letting those people go. It's being honest with yourself how limiting belief systems are lies you've believed about yourself, they're harming you, are outdated, not serving you anymore, and it's time to let them go. It involves feeling a lot of painful emotions that you may have stuffed inside yourself when you were a child out of survival, and choosing to love her up loyally for the rest of your life.

Acceptance is how this world changes. As you accept the areas of yourself, relationships, & your life that you've been in denial of... you begin to take more empowered actions to change your life.

You begin BEING and living a more authentic and honest life.

You begin allowing only those who match your authenticity into your close circle.

*Can you feel that? From that real place, where you accept full responsibility foreverything in your life, can you feel and imagine what's possible from this place?

*Can you feel your own self-love & personal freedom as you step into more ownership ofall the things in your life?

I'd love to hear from you how you are accepting ALL the parts of yourself and your life!

Sending unconditional PRIDE to you in every moment,